We’re delighted to publish the winners and runners-up from our 2022 short story competition for Irish teens, in association with Tertulia Books. This year our theme was “Belonging” and our guest judge was Claire Hennessy. Chosen Belonging by Leonie Hanan (age 14) was the junior category winner.
Leonie Hanan loves writing short stories and poetry. A member of Fighting Words Write Club Northern Ireland, in Leonie’s spare time she likes listening to music and it’s often what inspires her stories. She loves visiting her grandparents in Co. Westmeath and Co. Wexford, and they support all her writing endeavours!
Chosen Belonging
[ZOE]
I close my eyes. Give in. The way to breathe has escaped me. I can’t process this feeling — I’m shaking. I don’t believe I’m strong enough. Because this feeling tears me apart from the inside and I’m afraid … so afraid that it will never pass. And I’m confused … so confused, wondering why it’s here to give me a visit again. Why it will never leave me alone. People say the worst fate is to not belong anywhere. To have nobody to belong to. But this, I think, is worse.
To not belong within myself. To not belong to myself. To not belong as this person, who I pretended I was.
Please, I don’t remember asking for this.
[ANXIETY]
I’m not a constant threat. I mean, I’m always there — just not always using my power. But it’s there and Zoe knows it. She hears my voice every day and I’ve drowned out the others. She’ll never be a potter.
[ZOE]
I can’t get over my splitting headache. I’m frozen in a place I’m lost in, staring at these broken pieces before me. I want to be a potter. And there’s a show coming up — one they’ve offered to display a piece of mine in but … I don’t have one. I lost hope in the one I had created, hence the pieces. I’m here, in tears, wondering what the point is, and believing I’m never going to be anybody. I want to put on a mask of happy; I want to be this perfect person…
I want to be able to have faith, but I keep finding myself here, hurting alone. It’s made me believe it’s not real. This pain. I am happy. I am fine. I wonder if lying to myself is a bad thing.
[ANXIETY]
My voice is stronger at night. But tonight, she isn’t listening. I don’t know why.
[ZOE]
I’m dreaming again. I find it hard to sleep, and when I do, it’s often riddled with nightmares. But this dream is different. Somehow, I don’t feel on edge, I feel … a little free actually.
There’s a bright, white light. It gives the space a clean, new … almost beautiful feel. A house is ahead of me. A giant “Welcome” sign hung on the door, slightly crooked as if the owners haven’t left it in a while. Tentatively, I reach for the doorknob. It’s slightly rusted. I glance upwards and notice a few broken windows and dirty walls. The place this house is in seems so beautiful. Trees stand tall and proud, a calm wind rustling through them. I can hear a faint trickle of water in the distance, and it just seems so pure and angelic, and this house is just so out of place.
It doesn’t belong.
I wonder what’s inside. I try to see inside the door window, try to open the door but part of me is afraid. Afraid that all that’s left is another nightmare for me to discover.
[ANXIETY]
She’s here. And I think it’s only a matter of time before she discovers me. This house is her heart. And those who live here control her life. I like being able to control her life, without her really knowing. I like ruling here. I like that Joy can’t defeat me anymore. I like that he’s lost his strength. I’m Anxiety — why would I apologise for hating him? He used to always knock on the door, trying to claim lost territory, but now he just sits in the trees, sighing, sounding like a calm breeze. Zoe only ever feels him occasionally. He’s more of a distant memory. He gave up fighting and I’m never going to give this house to him. Why would I? Where would I go? That’s why Fear is in her way. That’s why I’m not letting her in. I’m not leaving.
[JOY]
The trees get rather boring after a while. But she’s here now. She’s right here — trying to open the door and I can slip in behind her and finally punch Anxiety in the face. Finally start cleaning because, man, that house needs a spring clean. I can see Fear trying to stop her and Loneliness is probably home too — maybe I can find Hope around here somewhere. Surely, she’d help. Surely for this.
[ZOE]
For some reason I can’t breach this barrier in my mind, the one telling me to just keep this door closed. To just give up now. Fear. I can overcome this. Can’t I? But not on my own. What do I need?
Hope.
[JOY]
“Hope! Hope? Hope, please, where are you?”
“Joy?” Her voice is soft, withdrawn. Like she’s forgotten her own name. I try to find her, and I see her cradling her legs. Rocking back and forth in the stream.
“I need your help. Zoe needs your help.” I say, trying to coax her out of her daze.
“Joy — I tried once before, she didn’t listen.” She’s defeated. I feel it — can feel her resignation.
“Please — she seems stronger this time.” Hope’s eyes flare.
“Stronger?” she says outraged. Suddenly she’s forgotten her apathy. “Joy, she’s having the hardest time of her life. She’s suffering at the hands of those idiots and there’s nothing we can do.”
“She’s trying to open the door, Hope, and she needs you.” Her eyes flash again, but this time, I see a hint of light. She grabs me, charges forward.
[ZOE]
As I’m sitting battling with this door in my mind — my dream that feels so real to me — I’m struck with the idea that this would make a great pottery house.
[ANXIETY]
You know, I’d quite forgotten about Hope. She seemed such a weak thing last time I saw her I never gave her another thought. I know she’ll punch Fear right out of her way. He’s never been strong enough to face her. It’s annoying really, I always told him he should exercise more. Her voice is drifting up to the window again.
“YOU ALL DON’T BELONG HERE. GET OUT BEFORE I MAKE YOU!” I don’t know why she’s yelling — Zoe can’t hear her or see her. True Zoe can’t see me but she can hear me when I want her to. And I’m not going to let Hope win.
“FEAR! Come on, mate, put up a fight!”
“Sorry, An, I can’t. She’s too strong!”
For goodness’ sake. He’s useless.
[ZOE]
This, I think, is Hope. Hope doesn’t mean a distant dream that this will get better. Hope is personal and real. Hope is deep within us always, waiting for a way to break into our smiles, our hands, waiting to burst out of us and join sorrowful rain to make a rainbow. Hope is knowing that you’re worth far more than rubies, that no matter who you were, right in this moment you become someone else.
Hope is beautiful.
[JOY]
“Have I ever told you how incredible you are?”
“Oh, shut up and help me.” I’m grinning madly; I never realised how much I missed Hope. She’s broken down this door like it’s nothing. Fear is learning his own name, running into the distance.
“What the hell do you two think you’re doing? Get out!” I glance at Hope. The only person to ever dim her spirits was Anxiety. Some light disappears out of her eyes. Swiftly I take her hand and turn to face him.
“You’re the one who’s leaving.” He lets out a long laugh. “Maybe you’ll be hard to forget, but never again can you have the control you’ve had.”
“What makes you think I won’t be able to win? Fear is a coward. But he’ll be back again. And I won’t be so careless.” I feel Hope shaking against me. It’s tempting; to give up. But his voice is not the one that Zoe should hear. And I’m sick of being silent. Because I do exist. Life is filled with me. Trees grow, it rains, sun shines, rainbows flourish, rivers flow, and oceans roar. All of it happens despite pain and hardship. While I know Anxiety and Fear will never leave for good, never again will this house be their home. They will be the things we fight. Not the things we embrace.
[ZOE]
The door swings open. Suddenly things are exploding in my mind. Beautiful colours. What I see isn’t perfect, true. But it is not the dump I thought it was going to be. It looks … fixable. For some reason, I have unblinding joy in the simple fact that right now I’m breathing. I didn’t give up and I’m standing here. I see this house in my head, understanding for the first time that I do belong here. I have a right to simply be. Maybe I don’t know who I am yet, but I won’t condemn myself to being nobody.
[ANXIETY]
Outside is even worse than I thought. But this house doesn’t belong to me anymore. I suppose it always was Zoe’s. I’m not leaving, but that house is no longer my home. Now I’m the wind. Inconsistent and distant most of the time. Joy was too strong for me. And I see Love on the horizon ready to clean the house behind me, return it to what it once was. I’d disguised Loneliness as Love before, confused them completely. But Loneliness got kicked out with me.
Now I’m the lonely one.
And probably deservedly so.
[JOY]
Here we stand now. Hope, Love, and I. Victorious. We won this house for Zoe. And we will defend it, always.
[ZOE]
The storm that has raged within me is finally still again. I don’t think I really understood it until it stopped. But after this fight I think I’m finally getting stronger.
I think I let Fear and Anxiety rule me. Let them belong where Joy and Hope should have.
But not anymore. I know what my piece is going to be for the show: the house I saw in my dreams. I’m going to create its imperfections — but show them differently. Half of the house will be dark and haunted, the other light and open. The actual pottery will be as symmetrical as I can make it. I’ll call it:
Chosen Belonging
Because that’s it — isn’t it? I don’t belong to Fear or Anxiety, but I get to choose to belong to Joy and Hope. I know this isn’t the only battle I’ll have to face. I know this isn’t the only mountain to climb. But I think so much of every day is decided by what goes on in our minds. And sometimes, Anxiety will have control. But if I choose to face it with Joy, Hope and Love, it will never be as strong as it once was.
Joy is my strength. Hope is my resilience. And Love would make a good sword. Battle ready.
